This an interesting start?

[Terro]

Ok folks, I'm pretty shy about my writing. I'm one of those people that minimizes my Word when someone walks by. Not sure why I do it, I just feel like I'm embarrased of my writing. So this is pretty mush a big leap for me to post some of my stuff. What I'm askig here is for an honest opinion.
I would like to have you guys reply and tell me if the next few lines of text were interesting to you and if you think they take place in the Past , present, or future.


Chapter 1

His arms were shaking rapidly, alarming him that they were about to loose
grip. Looking down past his dangling feet, the ground was rapidly fading.
The steadily increasing pressure in his ears quickly silenced the screaming
noise of the take-off engines.
"Grab my hand kid" a voice shouted from above.
"You are going to have to trust me or drop"
"Either way, we need to close this hatch now!"
"Kid it's now or never, last chance"
Trusting a stranger with his life was foreign to him, but it at least gave him
a chance. With the air quickly thinning, he gathered what was the last of his
strength and met the strangers hand halfway. The grip was stiff and strong, and with
in seconds his body was pulled into the ships hull.
"Seal'er up, Sarah" he shouted
The hatch closed immediately with a hiss of compressed air.
"Welcome aboard the Galliot, kid"
"What's your name?" he asked
With his body completely drained of energy he muttered "Gabri....el" as he lost
consciousness.

[elephant]

What I'm askig here is for an honest opinion.
I would like to have you guys reply and tell me if the next few lines of text were interesting to you and if you think they take place in the Past , present, or future.

His arms were shaking rapidly, alarming him that they were about to loose
grip. Looking down past his dangling feet, the ground was rapidly fading.
Honest opinion? It's not bad, definitely raises some interest. I don't like the name Gabriel though. :D

Anyway, the bit I quoted, there's two "rapidly"s too close. Sounds repetetive, find a synonym.

[NOOB!]

yeh i agree about the rapidly thing.

I also don't like too much description lol,cos it reminds me of erotic novels and this makes me laugh.lol

example.

*she quickly touched his ****,while her ni**les hardened excitingly

He stared intensly as she grabbed his ****....he thrusted rapidly,she screamed extremly,he stood er*ct*

u get the point :p

[Terro]

Thanks so much for the input guys. I didn't even notice the 2 rapidly's :)
As far as the name goes, my wife hates it too. I'm not sure why I have beenstuck on it. Now that I have 2 people telling me they don't like it , I will take it as a sign and go with something else.

As far as the descriptions go, they are found in most books. I know it kind of sounds cheese at this point but thers no other way for me to set the mood with out describing whats going on, I do try to leave enough out for the readers mind to paint their own picture.

Once again thank you for the input, and special thank to Ele for taking it easy on me, lol.

[NOOB!]

yeh i know,i just thought you could be a little more subtle with descriptions,or more creative.They seem a tad forced.but i know **** all about good writing.

I think its well done.

[jackhalfaprayer]

Yeha, this is good stuff Terro. It was a bit hard to tell who was speaking with the formatting, but that could be from the pasting. I thought the descriptors/modifiers were well placed.

Gabriel is a biblical name, I don't mind it but it carries a lot of weight. That may be why ppl are adverse to it?

You should have someone go through and edit your stuff for typos and such at some point, not a big concern right now, though.

Sounds like the future!:D

[KOTK]

I liked it. Yeah, it takes place inthe future!

WTF? Noob? You don't like lots of describtion in books??

I have a name, Terro.... The name shall be Duval.:cool:

[vicjperry]

Maybe pull a few words and change a few?? Maybe something like........

His arms, shaking rapidly, alarmed him that they were about to loose their weakening grip. Looking down past his dangling feet, the ground was quickly fading and the steadily increasing pressure in his ears silenced the screaming of the take-off engines.
"Grab my hand kid" a voice shouted from above.
"You are going to have to trust me or drop"
"Either way, we need to close this hatch now!"
"Kid it's now or never, last chance"
Trusting a stranger with his life was foreign to him, but he at least had a chance. With the air quickly thinning, he gathered the last of his strength and met the strangers hand halfway. The grip was stiff and strong, and with
one quick yank, his body was pulled into the ships hull.
"Seal'er up, Sarah" he shouted
The hatch slammed shut with a hiss of compressed air.
"Welcome aboard the Galliot, kid"
"What's your name?" he asked
With his energy completely drained he barely muttered "Gabri....el" and he lost
consciousness.

[NOOB!]

I liked it. Yeah, it takes place inthe future!

WTF? Noob? You don't like lots of describtion in books??



too much at one time,like in my example,just telling him to avoid that.

Obviously theres allot of description in books lol,otherwise you might aswell be reading a list.

[Terro]

I like that Vic. Subtle changes but they do make a difference. Thank you.