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Terro
02-25-2007, 11:21 PM
Here's something I have been working on. It's a short first chapter from a story I'm working on.

CHAPTER 1
THE PROPOSAL


Undisclosed Location : 2326 AC

The chamber lights were set to a minimal dim, casting only enough light to distinguish the chair in the center of the room and the male figure sitting in it. Trent Cyrix stood still by the mechanical door as the two prison transport guards left the room. He was dressed in a navy blue issued prison uniform. The door closed itself with the sound of a hydraulic hiss followed by the clinch of a locking mechanism. As mysterious as this meeting was , Trent knew it was better then the alternative. Today was to be the day of his public execution. A judgment cast upon him by the current ruling major of Archonia, Servius Victrix. Who ever the mystery man was , it was obvious he had the highest of clearance to go over Victrix’s judgment.

“Don’t over think it” said the mystery man. His voice calm but aged.
“Our meeting here has little to do with you. You, are merely a pawn in the larger scheme of things.” The man cleared his throat and continued.
“I’m sure you’re wondering about my identity? I urge you to respect the cloak, as it is for your protection, not mine”
Cyrix stood still as he closely listened to the man explain the situation at hand.
“You are a mysterious man yourself Captain Cyrix. One of the wealthiest men in this mapped universe, yet you chose to give it all up and join the underground.”
“While many may perceive that as foolish , the group I represent does not.”
“Which brings me to the point at hand”
“I have requested your audience because it is obvious to us that your ambitions are not driven by greed but something deeper. I offer a proposition on the behalf of the Guardians, a proposition of the utmost importance”

Daft_Wullie
02-27-2007, 03:07 PM
Ooh! Cut off! Where's this going, Greg? Why the mystery? Who're the Guardians? When's the movie coming out?

Seriously, I'm intrigued. The editor in me wants to point out the minor grammatical issues, but other than that, feed me! What's the projected length of the story? Short? Novella? Novel? You already seem to be comfortable in the Sci Fi genre which is good. Are you going to put more of your story on the board?

Me likey...

avid_user
10-12-2007, 04:20 PM
Very nice. I like how you cut it off just before.....

Is this for a cartoon short?

Moai
03-25-2008, 03:20 PM
Trent Cyrix - V. Cool futuristic name. What IS it for? Short story, novel?

Terro
03-25-2008, 05:48 PM
It's for a animation/game/novel. An idea I have been working on for a couple of years and since I posted that intro I had changed everything yet again. Pretty soon I'll let you guys in on the new plot.

bleupencil
03-25-2008, 07:01 PM
Seem to be off to a good start so far :)

mattfox
04-03-2008, 08:55 AM
i'm digging the premise. but you're giving a little too much exposition a little too quickly. tease us a bit, give us a little more time to ask the questions before you answer them. add an extra paragraph with some sensory description and make us feel and smell the room. describe the presence of the man in the cloak. should i be afraid of him? is he an intimidating mountain of a man that commands my attention with a whisper? or is he a frail old wiseman that deceives you with his quiet manner?

it sounds like you've already got a solid story behind all of this, i'd really like to see more.

J6Studios
04-03-2008, 09:01 AM
Sounds great! Now get to the character sketches!! :D

What is AC?

Banes
11-28-2008, 02:46 PM
I'll field this one, Terro-

AC is short for air conditioning, which indicates that the room in which the story begins is 2326 Air Conditioning, which is REALLY cold. This will definitely be expanded upon in the larger tale, I imagine!

Always happy to help out! :D


Hey, Terro, is there an update on what you're doing this, by any chance?




seriously, though, J6, 'AC' is After Christ, which was sometimes used instead of 'AD', though I haven't heard it in awhile. (I thought it was kind of cool here, actually...lol...though it could've been a typo).