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Ja Shin Ya
07-12-2008, 07:49 PM
This is an original comedic script done by myself, Ja Shin Ya. This is my first script as far as flash or radio plays are concerned, but I have a large amount of experience writing novels, short stories, etc...
I realize it is going to be hard with such high expectations on my first production, but why put so much work into something that isn't going to be the best possible. Hopefully, the animator will have the same attitude!

I am planning this to be a continuing series if it becomes successful enough or if myself and the animator just have insane amounts of fun producing it!

All aspects of the concept, scripts, characters are up for discussion between myself and the animator seeing as we will both be putting a lot of work, and our reputations into it.

I am looking for an animator willing to be very dedicated, communicate effectively and consistently, not be afraid to give input as well as not be offended by input from me, has an open sense of humor, and is willing to have fun!
Any animators interested, please contact me on this thread, pm, email, or IM. I will also be needing an example of animations you have done.

I realize some of the concepts or script may sound weird or off, but it's part of the originality, creativeness and openness. The same kind of stuff I'd like to see in the animator. I believe once the project is finalized, it will be great. Especially with the ideas between two people. It is supposed to be witty humor.

Title: Critical Point

Synopsis: Five friends are sick and tired of society and the way the world works. After an old woman/man hears of their complaints, she tells them a tale of a nomadic bum that has the power to reshape the world into a balance that would make the world run smoothly. The friends set out on a journey to find the bum and to set the world straight.


The Main Characters:
Jerry Prewer- The unofficial leader of the group, Jerry tends to be more responsible and a bit uptight at times. he has a sarcastic wit to him, but as far as humor goes, it's more cynical instead of silly. He also tends to be overprotective over the rest off the group; specifically his sister Jenny.

Jennifer Prewer- AKA Jenny. She tends to be somewhat air-headed, and vain, but she has a sweet heart. All of the outside appearance (looks and personality wise) are covering up her insecurities. She feuds with her brother frequently, but secretly appreciates his protection.

Gary Galli- Gary tends to be the goofy comedic relief. He's the friend that isn't particularly included in everything, but at the same time it's not like they don't like him. He's very much an optimist, but his self confidence is easily shaken. He has a "secret" crush on Jenny, but she barely notices him.

Ryan Motayen- He is the classic tough guy. He is the most assertive in the group and can have a smart mouth on him. He's also the first to get into tiffs verbally or physically. However, he is very loyal to his friends and will stick by them no matter what...even if Gary gets on his nerves sometimes. He dates Christine.

Christine Stanley- Christine is the butter to Ryan's bread. She's tough and independent, yet the two of them are barely separable. She's pretty quiet, but has a kind of love/hate friendship with Jenny and can be chatty with her as well as Ryan. Even though she is a mysterious girl, everyone like having her around, because even just her smile lifts everyone's spirits.


(The excerpt from the script will be posted in the next post)

Any Critiques will also be appreciated. Also, please understand that the script is written for the animator to read. In the actual script sent to VA's, there won't be stage directions or non-dialog.

Ja Shin Ya
07-12-2008, 07:50 PM
Episode One: Pilot

After another boring day in their insignificant lives, the five friends sit around the Prewer living room. Since there’s nothing else to do, they decide to watch TV. Due to the election and many other events, the news seems to be on every channel.

Jerry- (With jadedness) Ugh… I am sooo tired of the news. Obama’s a terrorist this. Hilary’s a shrew that. Salmonella is gonna melt all of our faces off if we eat things that are supposed to be good for us. What happened to the good ol’ days when we could just watch sitcoms that rot our brains and be blissfully happy?

Gary- (To Jerry’s comments) Oh come on. It’s not so bad. Look (points to the TV) they’re having one of those sunshine special heart-melting reports.

The TV proceeds to show a mini montage of happiness as it fades away to reveal a news reporter holding a puppy across the street from an orphanage which shows behind him/her.

TV Reporter- (Holding the puppy) For today’s bright spot in the news, we have a very warming story of a puppy who made some depressed kids a little less depressed. This little puppy here, named McFuzzles, has been coming into this orphanage once a week to cheer up these unfortunate children-

The reporter is cut off as the dog, which has been squirming the whole time, jumps from her arms. The puppy runs across the road just as a semi-truck full of gasoline drives by, making it swerve. It careens off of the road barreling towards the orphanage. It crashes into the front of the building, sending flames spiraling into the air and children being thrown into the air by explosions or running out of the building on fire. The Reporter in the mean time after watching the calamity turns back around with a shocked expression only to immediately change it into a sweet and charming smile. The puppy which is still in the road is then suddenly grabbed by a hawk that swoops down and takes it away. The camera guy finally has the idea to cut transmission as the screen goes to a technical difficulties screen.
The friends back in the living room stare at it blankly for a few seconds.

Ryan- …well I’m going to aimlessly wander the town. You comin’ Chris? (Christine follows) Anyone else wanna come?

Jerry- Yeah, I’ll come. (Gets up to follow. Then says to Gary) See? Society is ruining the world. A truck full of 1st world countries’ life blood just crashed into a building full of children who got screwed over by society. This, in turn, is making people like us, go loiter and possibly do something dumb which will later be blamed on video games or TV shows.

Gary- B…but…that wasn’t supposed to happen!

Jerry- Just shut up and come on. (Gary gets up and walks towards the door) What about you, Jenny? You coming or are you gonna stay here and watch the news coverage of Jamie Lynn Spears’ waddling around with her preg pact friends while brushing your hair?

Jenny- (Gives a gasp of disgust) Like I would subject myself to that!

Christine- Right. Like that time you didn’t subject yourself to flailing around in the front row of that Amy Whinehouse concert a couple weeks ago.

A flashback cuts to a view from the stage of Jenny in the front row at a concert. She’s ecstatic until a pair of legs steps in front of the screen. Between the legs you can see Jenny go totally ballistic as her arms flail around accidentally hitting one of the legs in the knee hard. A camera flashes and then a freeze frame of Jenny being socked in the face shows on screen.

Jenny- (mumbles incoherently as she rubs her cheek. She gets up and follows the rest out of the door, shutting the door behind her)

The crew is walking down the street in the late afternoon and decides to stop to get something to eat at a bistro in town.

Ryan- I’m getting hungry.

Gary- I say we have a nice sit down dinner. The five of us together having a nice outing amongst friends!

Ryan- Or…we can just grab something from the Bistro and find somewhere to sit and eat.

Gary- That works too…

They all walk into the building to order their food. The part time cashier is standing behind the counter to greet them. The owner, a very large hairy Italian man, is also behind the counter and is busy making orders.

Cashier- (Obviously bored and miserable) What can I do for you today?

Bistro Owner- Hey! I ain’t payin’ you to be miserable. Be happy to be their peon!

Jerry- (To the cashier) At least he admits to paying piddly squat for you to be a mindless drone. (The cashier stares back at Jerry) Sorry…I’ll just take the cold cut. Thanks.

Gary- Meatball sub for me!

Bistro Owner- Ah! That man has taste! My meatballs will have your tongue kickin’!

Cashier- (Under his breath) Yeah…kicking itself for eating that festered crap ball you call food.

Bistro Owner- (Yelling) What’s that?!

Cashier- (Dodging the question) Next!

Ryan- Burger for me, thanks. What do you want, Chris?

Christine- I’ll take a garden salad with Ital- (looks at the owner who grins back with a mouth full of hideous teeth) Actually, I’ll just have a cesar salad instead. (laughs timidly)

Cashier- (Still miserable) Will that be everything?

Jerry- (speaking to Jenny who has been standing back) Aren’t you going to order, Jenny?

Jenny- Nah…I had a big breakfast.

Gary- But it’s like…six in the afternoon. You need to eat something. We don’t want you passing out from lack of sustenance. (Jenny doesn’t seem to even notice Gary has said anything to her)

Jerry- (After a few seconds of awkward silence) Gary’s right. You need to stop being anorexic. We don’t judge you for being fat, which you never have been.

Ryan- Yeah, actually we judge you for being too skinny. We throw you into the hideous pile of corpses we call super models…and Nicole Ritchie.

Jenny- (sighs) Fine…(To the cashier) I’ll have a hotdog, please. (Gary trips over himself upon hearing this. Jerry and Ryan look down at him. Ryan smirks and shakes his head as Jerry helps him up)

Fierce Deity
08-03-2008, 07:11 PM
Script ? Thats more like a scene :p

Cre
08-05-2008, 01:31 AM
You've got a very nice idea there. One constructive critique though.. :)
There's just too much dialogue. Reduce and cut the dialogue - try to tell things in other ways first and use dialogue as last resort. The dialogue must always have a purpose. Either it's moving the plot forward or revealing things (like personal traits or personality - bringing the character to flesh).

For instance.. you can have one of the characters mention that they are hungry and cut straight to the restaurant and have the food already on the table, add just a tad of loose dialogue that brings out some of the character traits and then continue with the actual plot. I think this would make it very much easier for you also - and for the animator. :)

Keep working - it will be great!

SAB0TAGE
08-07-2008, 01:56 PM
Keep writing. Buy the Screenwriters Bible. Go to Drew's Script-o-rama on line and read some scripts.

jackhalfaprayer
08-07-2008, 11:24 PM
you're using way too many parentheticals. cut back on those.